


Words I thought I'd never speak

by disenchantedkobrakid



Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Band Fic, Depression, F/M, Fucked Up, Gay, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Oral Sex, Rehabilitation, Swearing, The Black Parade
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-25 23:33:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20732543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disenchantedkobrakid/pseuds/disenchantedkobrakid
Summary: Mikey is in the clinic for recovery, Frank has run away and nobody knows where he is and Ray tries to keep the band alive.Gerard remembers the good and bad times he had to go through with Frank and has to make a decision eventually.





	Words I thought I'd never speak

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this within a few hours and just finished it instead of doing something for university.  
Basically I got this idea because I can't stop listening to 'Famous last words' for days now. I just had to make something out of it!  
Please tell me what you think of it and *self-promotion* feel free to also check out my Ryden story.  
Have a great day, Gwen! :)

„Gerard. Would you please listen for just one second?“ Ray asked me and forced me to escape my thoughts. I wasn’t paying attention to anything anymore these days. I was just able to think about two things or rather two persons and it was slowly ripping me apart. I felt like these days Ray was the only one who was able to act normal. He was the one we all depended on.  
“Yeah, of course. What did you say?” I replied and tried to focus. I tried to so hard but I knew that my concentration would diminish way too fast. “I asked you what you think about this? I see you lying next to me with words I thought I’d never speak.” I nodded. “That’s good.” “Gerard, I know that you haven’t really listened. Please tell me what you really think about it. Someone has to create something here!”  
I knew that Ray was right. Our album was almost done recording but I just couldn’t concentrate. Mikey was in the rehab because of his drug and alcohol addiction and next to him there was barely another thing I was able to think about these days. I had never wanted for this to happen. I knew how it was, I knew it way too well but I had never wanted my brother to go through this. My little brother…  
Ray repeated the words and I really listened to them this time. “I think” I eventually started “that this is really fucking good. No for real. You’re a genius, Ray.” The other guy smiled at me but I could tell that it wasn’t a real, genuine smile. It was rather an attempt to ease the mood but that wouldn’t be possible.  
“I know how you feel, Gerard. I mean Mikey’s your brother and that’s certainly even worse for you but he means a lot to me too, you know that. And it’s for the best that he’s in the clinic now. It will help him like it has helped you.” I nodded even though I didn’t believe what Ray had said.  
He only knew half of what I was thinking. Of course I was thinking about Mikey and I was extremely worried about him. I remembered my worst time where I had wanted to kill myself and where I had constantly been drunk and on drugs I couldn’t even name anymore. Maybe I still wanted to kill myself sometimes but something was different now: I knew that I had to keep fighting. I had to especially for Mikey. Because what kind of brother would kill himself while the little brother was in the clinic?  
But then there was Frank too. Frank had left weeks ago and neither Ray nor I and much less Mikey knew where he was. He had just left without saying another word and to be honest, I couldn’t blame him for doing so. Maybe it had been the right thing to do. Maybe I should have done it too. Maybe this whole band thing was over. Who knew?  
Ray and I looked at each other so many unspoken words between us. Of course the other guy didn’t know about what had happened between Frank and I. Nobody did. Well, excluding Brian but this guy knew everything. And as our manager he was supposed to. He had been the one to advise us that we shouldn’t tell anyone – even not Mikey – and I knew that it had been for the best but why did it feel so wrong then?  
Suddenly I wished to be in my early twenties again where I had studied at the School of Visual Arts and, most of all, where I hadn’t been famous yet. I had never had an easy life but I felt like everything had been much easier when I hadn’t been famous. Of course being in a band had so many advantages and I would be eternally grateful for our fans. Plus I would dare to say that without music I wouldn’t be alive anymore.  
But there were also disadvantages and I felt like the latter predominated lately. Obsessed fans, cruel interviewers, always acting even if one felt bad. I had never imagined it to be this way. Of course I had heard all the stories about famous people before who had died due to alcohol and drugs but I had never fully understood it before – not until we had all gotten famous ourselves.  
“I don’t think that we’ll manage to produce something else today.” Ray eventually said after we had continued working for about half an hour. I nodded feeling like I was all over in a class again that was finally over now and I was released. I had never wanted it to be this way. The band had always been something incredible, something I had enjoyed and something that had saved me even on my darkest days. But I had realized that it wasn’t really anymore.  
“Do you want to grab some food?” My bandmate offered but I shook my head. “I wanted to visit Mikey. You know, see how he’s doing after these weeks. But thank you anyways.” Ray could’ve offered to go with me since we all were friends but he didn’t. Instead he just shrugged and left the room. I was left alone in the studio but eventually I left too.  
The clinic was about thirty minutes with the car away. Like most of them it was located at the edge of the city. People had always been afraid of people who had a mental disorder and who were addicted. What if we broke out of the clinic to kill them all? That certainly sounded like a thing my brother would do. I almost had to laugh for a second but then I realized what I was about to do – where Mikey was these days and the smile didn’t even manage to come up on my face.  
The woman at the counter looked up as I entered the clinic but as fast as she had she looked down on whatever she was working on again. “How can I help you?” She asked without looking up again. I wondered if she was just pretending to or if she was actually working on something because it didn’t look like that. “I wanted to visit someone. Mikey Way.” I said with a broken voice. She had a look at the computer probably looking at my brother’s file. I wondered what they had written down there.  
Eventually she nodded looking back at the thing she was presumably working on. “And your name?” “Gerard Way.” I answered and then the woman looked up after all. Her expression was full of pity and there was barely a thing a hated more than if another person felt sorry for one. People thought that just because it was a family member who was in the clinic life was apparently bad for everyone but I had gone through a similar situation like Mikey myself.  
I didn’t say anything though because I knew that it wouldn’t be any good for anyone. “Your brother’s currently located in his room.” She then said telling me the number afterwards. The way how she had pronounced the word ‘located’ sounded as if Mikey was some kind of good that could be parked everywhere and it disgusted me more than anything. I wondered why she had said that Mikey was my brother because I hadn’t told her but then I just walked away not wanting to fight with someone who wouldn’t change their mind anyways.  
People like that shouldn’t be allowed to work in a facility like that. If not the employees than who should know that the patients here were normal people. Fucked up people, yeah, but neither of us had chosen to be like that after all.  
I found the room where my brother had slept for the last weeks easily because it was on the second floor at the beginning of the long hallway. Everything looked the same in a clinic like that. White, white, white everywhere. One door at the end of the hallway opened and a woman in her twenties came out. As she passed me I saw that there were scratched all over her probably because she had created them herself and I shuddered forcing myself to look away.  
I breathed in one last time and eventually knocked at my brother’s door. It was the first time that I visited him here even though it had been weeks. I had wanted to visit him earlier but I just couldn’t bring myself too. It was too painful, knowing that Mikey was here. Knowing that my little brother was as broken as I was. Not that one could compare our situations though.  
If there was one thing I had learned over the years it was that one shouldn’t compare themselves to other – not on the outside but also not on the inside. Everybody had their own problems and maybe some people’s were worse than other people’s but that didn’t mean that they were problems. And a single person suffered because of them so they were bad for them.  
There was no answer so I decided to just go in. The door wasn’t locked up but it would be locked up in the night so the patients wouldn’t do anything to either themselves or others. But the latter barely happened anyways. The room looked similar to the one I had been in when I had been in a similar clinic to this one. There was a small bed with white bedclothes of course. Then there was an open wardrobe and a little table with a chair next to it.  
My brother was sitting on the windowsill of the barred window – barred so nobody would jump out. I wondered if Mikey had ever thought about killing myself but he probably had if I had to be honest. This thought ripped me apart and I started to wonder if that had been what Mikey had felt like when I had tried to kill myself. Had it hurt so much every time?  
He was looking out of the window not realizing that someone had entered the room or maybe he was just pretending that he hadn’t. “Mikey.” I eventually started my voice showing that I had cried very much in the last few weeks. Than my brother finally turned around. He was wearing a black shirt and black pants not fitting in at all in this all white environment. “Hey Gerard.” My brother replied and I nodded even though I didn’t even know why I was nodding in the first place. I just wanted to cry if I had to be honest but I wouldn’t cry. Not here. Not in front of him.  
I didn’t ask Mikey how he felt and he didn’t ask me how I felt because we both knew that the other person felt like shit. We had long ago stopped talking about our current state because what was the good of another person constantly lying? That was what people were always doing nowadays. If one person asked ‘Are you okay?’ the other person always answered ‘Yes.’ no matter how bad they actually felt. Mikey and I had decided that we wouldn’t lie to each other anymore and I never had excluding one thing.  
“How far are you guys with the album? Any progress?” My brother asked and I sighed. “Barely.” I admitted and Mikey nodded. He probably hadn’t expected anything else considering that there were only two people left working on The Black Parade. I wondered if our band would still exist after this album. It had broken us all.  
“Any news?” Mikey than asked and I immediately knew what he was talking about or rather whom. Mikey knew that Frank had disappeared because Ray had told him at some point and I shook my head again. My little brother sighed and looked out of the window again. That was my opportunity to inspect him further. If I had to be honest – which I was most of the time – Mikey looked even worse than he had a few weeks ago but that was probably because he had stopped drinking and taking drugs. It was normal that the body was overstretched with the situation than but my hurt still hurt as I saw my little brother like that.  
Who would’ve guessed that we would end up like this one day? I had always hoped that we would have a better future but then, who didn’t hope so?  
“I think it’s because of you, Gerard.” Mikey started to speak again but I didn’t understand what he meant. My little brother looked at me again with such a serious expression that I started to wonder who the older one was actually. “I think it’s because of you that Frank has left.” He stated and his words were like knifes that someone would stab me with.  
“Why would you say something like that?” I whispered but in this moment I simply knew that my brother knew. I didn’t know how but he just knew. Mikey nodded. “I’m not stupid, okay?” He started and I nodded too. I searched for an indication of something like disgust in his face but I couldn’t find it. Maybe I should’ve told him years ago. Maybe I should’ve done so many things.  
“Tell me everything.” My little brother who now seemed to be much, much older than me continued and I wanted to say that I didn’t know how. I didn’t know where to start or how to express everything but Mikey deterred me from doing so. “Tell me everything. I certainly have the time.” I nodded and eventually as he had said. I just told him… everything.  
It had already happened when I had seen him for the first time. Back when Frank had still been the lead singer of Pencey Prep. When he had kind of become our first fan ever and helped us with our first demos. And when he had eventually joined our band it had really started. I had immediately been fascinated by him but then it was more. It had started slowly and then it had already been too late.  
*  
“Okay guys. You have to go up there in like five minutes.” The guy whose name I had forgotten already said and I nodded. I was way too drunk to go on stage actually but I didn’t care. I certainly wouldn’t forget the lyrics. I maybe forgot other things but I never forgot the lyrics. They just meant too much for me. Matt, Ray, Frank and especially Mikey looked at me worried – still worried. I smiled at them to assure them that everything would be fine. Everything was fine.  
The alcohol was just part of who I was at this point. The alcohol and the drugs and everything else. I was used to it all already. “Now.” The guy said and I got up on the stage. The fans were cheering and I couldn’t believe that people had actually come out here to see us. I couldn’t believe that anyone really wanted to listen to what I was singing. I certainly wouldn’t.  
I didn’t say anything but just started singing putting everything of me into the words that came out of my mouth. The show was over way too soon or maybe way too slow. Who knew that? I certainly didn’t have a track of time anymore.  
“This was a great show, honestly.” The guy who had told us to go on stage earlier smiled at me and I tried to smile back half-heartedly. “Could I maybe get an autograph?” He then asked and I nodded. I didn’t care. It wasn’t as if we were extremely famous and I doubted that we would get but if it made him happy I would sign the record he was giving me.  
“You okay?” Frank asked eventually. I realized that we were left alone in the backstage area. Matt, Ray and Mikey had probably gone to the tour bus already and everyone else was probably on the stage to clean up the mess we and the crowd had left. I nodded but Frank didn’t believe me. I knew that he knew that this wasn’t the truth. I didn’t know what the truth was myself so how would I ever be able to tell someone else.  
Frank had become a part in my life I didn’t want to miss anymore. Even though he had only been part of this band for a few months it felt like he had been there since the beginning. He looked at me with these adorable eyes. Did he even know what he was doing?  
“I think we should go too.” I eventually said trying to look everywhere – everywhere but at him. Frank shook his head. “No.” And then he kissed me. It was unexpected or maybe it wasn’t that unexpected after all because we had been looking at each other for months now. I knew that this was the worst idea but drunk people always had the worst ideas and this was certainly just happening because I was drunk.  
I needed a few seconds to process it but eventually I started to kiss him back – softly first but then more passionately. I kissed the other guy as if my life depended on it. I kissed him as if we had done this a thousand times before and if I had to be honest it did feel so. I kissed Frank as if he was my only hope. And maybe after all he was the only hope for me.  
*  
“Gerard. Wake up, fucker.” Frank greeted me and I slowly opened my eyes. There was this moment after waking up where one didn’t know anything and I was experiencing exactly that. But then I remembered everything. I remembered what I had tried to do and I wanted to try it again. There was nothing left for me in this world.  
“How could you do this to me?” The other guy whispered tears rolling down his cheeks. And then I remembered that there were things left for me in this world – or rather people. Yeah, how could I do this to Frank? And to Mikey? Sometimes I thought that nobody actually cared about me but seeing Frank cry in front of me showed me that I maybe had been wrong.  
“I’m sorry.” I just whispered because I was so tired. I was so tired physically but even more mentally. I was so tired of living this life. “No, you fucker, you won’t sleep again. You will listen to me!” Frank exclaimed and I sighed because I knew that I didn’t have a choice actually. “Is it so hard to understand that I’m incomplete?” I whispered and Frank stopped moving for a second.  
“Why Gerard? You have me, you have Mikey, you have this band.” Frank claimed and I knew that he was right. Of course he was right but maybe that wasn’t enough. “We love you, Gee. I love you.” I looked at the other man and his expression almost made me believe him. Maybe he loved me but certainly not in a romantic way. That was just not how two bandmates were supposed to act.  
I wanted to distract myself and also Frank so I started to kiss him. I kissed him so hard that I was pretty sure that I was tasting blood. Maybe I had unintentionally bitten his lip. Frank returned the kiss for just a slight second but then he abruptly jerked away. “You can’t just do that. You’re always kissing me when you want to avoid a conversation. You know what, Gerard? My feelings for you are real but if you’re not able to understand that than maybe we shouldn’t do this anymore.”  
Frank looked at me so seriously that I immediately regretted everything I had done. I regretted having tried to kill myself, I regretted not having told him that I really loved him too because if I had to be honest I did. This wasn’t about drugs or alcohol anymore. I regretted everything.  
“I love you too.” Came out of my mind and Frank twitched but I knew that it wouldn’t change anything anymore. It was too late, sometimes it just was. “I know.” The other guy replied and then he left the room. I was still so tired, way too tired for everything so I got back to sleep. Apparently sleeping was the only thing I could do properly at this point because then I couldn’t fuck everything up.  
*  
“Leave me alone.” Ray claimed but only half-seriously. Mikey laughed looking at the other guy triumphantly. We were on tour again and it was the best we all felt in a long time. I felt like maybe everything could turn out okay after all that had happened. Just one year ago I had wanted to end my life, I had wanted to do it several but I had never actually gotten to finish it. I knew that I wouldn’t be alive without all the guys in this bus anymore, especially Frank.  
The latter now looked at me with a genuine smile on his face and I couldn’t help myself but smile back. If someone would’ve told me that I ever would be able to feel like I did now I wouldn’t have believed them but now I was crazy in love with another guy.  
The only problem was that we had to keep it a secret. Brian – the manager we had for a few months now – had advised us to do so but Frank and I knew that ourselves. Telling anyone about this would have consequences I didn’t want to think about. At this point I was okay with hiding our love because we both knew what we had and that was what counted.  
I stood up to go to the tiny toilet and waited for a few minutes. That was how we always did it. Frank got in eventually and I started to kiss him with such an intensity that we both got pushed against the wall. There was a loud sound but probably nobody would notice it or at least nobody would think that the lead singer and the guitarist were making out in the bathroom.  
I smiled against his lips. I would never get enough of this guy. Never. We only had a few moments every day where we would steal kisses from each other or quickly fuck but I knew that this was worth it. It was so worth it. “Look who’s there.” Frank eventually whispered pointing at my boner that was visible through my leather pants.  
Everything had to be fast so he got down on me, opened my pants and took out my cock. I was constantly horny because of this guy and that the case for years now. But I wouldn’t complain. How could I complain when this guy was about to take my cock into my mouth. The image faded and I came back to the reality.  
*  
“Ok stop. I don’t want any details!” Mikey screamed disgusted and I laughed. Eventually my brother started laughing too and I realized that this was probably the first time in months that we were laughing with each other. I had missed it so much.  
“But honestly Gerard. Do you really think that Ray and I haven’t noticed? All the times you two have sneaked out to ‘smoke’ or to ‘talk’. It was just too much. And then all the looks you were constantly throwing at each other. A blind people would’ve realized that you two were in love.” “Ray knows too?” I asked shocked even though that didn’t really surprise me anymore. Mikey nodded. “What about Matt and Bob?” I continued.  
Matt had left the band at some point and then Bob had replaced him but I realized that I hadn’t been really close with any of them ever and who knew what Bob was doing now. “I think Matt knew too but I don’t know about Bob. He had always seemed to not care about such things.” Mikey answered and I nodded.  
“So what has happened between you and Frank? I mean what has really happened?” My brother asked me and I thought about everything again. “Jamia happened basically.” I answered and Mikey nodded. “It always ends like this, you know? People like us can’t be happy together forever. At some point the bubble bursts and either one or both realize that it can’t go on like this anymore. And don’t understand me wrong. I think that Jamia is a wonderful woman but I just wish that things have happened differently, you know?” My brother nodded and I knew that he understand what I meant. Of course he did.  
“So what about Frank running away to some place?” “I have no idea what’s going on with this guy. Jamia doesn’t know anything either.” I shrugged. “But Mikey, enough of me, how do you feel, really?” I asked because I realized that I had actually come here to check on my brother. We looked at each other with an honesty that had never been there before. At least not like that.  
“I’m going to be okay. No, I mean it. Of course I’m not great now but I’m going to be okay.” I nodded and felt the sudden urge to cry. How did we end up like that? Without saying another word Mikey and I fell into each other’s arms. I embraced my little brother like I hadn’t done in a long time. He was way too thin, way too fucked up but he would be okay. He had promised it.  
A tear rolled down my cheek as we moved apart and I could’ve sworn that Mikey was crying too. “Help, we’re like teenage girls here.” I said helplessly but Mikey was still completely serious. “Crying isn’t a weakness, Gee. It’s quite the opposite actually. When you cry it shows that you’re a human being who has feelings and who cares about others and that’s a really good thing.”  
I nodded still not having completely recovered. “When did you get so wise?” I asked my little brother who seemed to be so much older. “I’m not wise, I’m just… well, maybe I’m a little bit wise.” He eventually claimed and we both had to laugh again.  
“Actually” I got serious again because I had realized something “I just thought about something completely else. You know when I had been in the clinic? They had always searched through all of your stuff when you’ve visited me, right?” Mikey nodded sadly. “Why haven’t they done this here? I mean I could’ve brought something dangerous.”  
“Sometimes they do but sometimes they don’t. I guess they’re just idiots. Especially the woman at the counter doesn’t care about anything.” Mikey claimed and I nodded. I had definitely noticed that.  
“Okay little brother. I have to unfortunately. I’ve been here way too long but I’ll definitely come back. You won’t ever understand how glad I am that you’re doing fine.” I couldn’t look into Mikey’s eyes because I knew what I would see in there. Now you know how I’ve felt. But he wouldn’t even mean it accusatory. It just was as it was.  
“Thanks for telling me, Gerard.” My brother said and I nodded. And then I left the room, the hallway and eventually the clinic. I drove to my apartment that was located near the studio. I quickly looked at the streets where all the fallen leaves caused a sea of colors. Fall slowly came to the country and I smiled because it had always been my favorite season.  
Everything would be okay. Everything would be okay and this telling I was thinking this I knew that it wasn’t a lie. It wasn’t a lie. I stopped in front of the apartment building not realizing that there was someone standing in front of it. I froze for a second not being able to believe it but it was really Frank Iero standing next to the great tree I always loved to look at out of my living room.  
“I’m sorry, Gerard.” He started quietly and I wondered how often we had already said these words in all the years we had known each other. It was always one of us who fucked things up but it would be okay in the end. I knew that we would never get to where we had been. It would never be the same because we had changed and everything else had changed but we would have to learn to accept that.  
Now there was Jamia and I knew that Frank loved Jamia – as Mikey had said about Frank and me even a blind person would see that – but maybe there could be something new between us. Something non-toxic and genuine this time. “They knew, you know that? Mikey and Ray knew.” I stated and then I started to laugh and Frank did too.  
I didn’t ask him where he had been and I didn’t ask him what he had done. The only thing that counted was that he was here now and that our band maybe wasn’t dead as I had thought. “Let’s go.” I said leaving him confused where I had planned to drive. But he got into the car without asking further questions – as it had always been. Maybe there were things that never changed even though everything else had changed.  
I started the vehicle and drove through half the city. It was late afternoon which meant that many people were on the streets going or driving home from work. I wondered how it felt like to live a normal life with a normal job because I certainly didn’t know how it felt anymore.  
I stopped in front of Ray’s apartment and Frank’s smile froze. “You will get in there, fucker.” I ordered because I knew that Frank didn’t want to but eventually he nodded. We got out of the car and I actuated the bell impatiently. “Gerard, what…?” Ray started confused why I had come back to see him. But then he saw Frank and his face turned white.  
I didn’t know at all what he was about to do. That was the thing about Ray – he was able to wear the perfect poker face in such situations.  
And then the older man slapped him and I could hear the smack when Ray’s hand landed on Frank’s face. “You fucker.” He just said but he smiled while doing so.


End file.
